The GOLDEN RATIO

To keep relationships healthy, strong, and connected, five "goods" are needed for every one "bad."

Parents need to find a way to say five yes's for every no; they need to praise five times as much as they scold.

Lovers need to embrace and attune five times as much as they argue and reject each other.

Teachers should reward five times more than they penalize.

Much of this happens normally, naturally. But sometimes relationships can get twisted into a cycle of negativity and discomfort. When that happens it is important to recognize and to take steps to make a change.

The GOLDEN RATIO: five positive for every negative: 5/1

Symptom Rating Scale

An effective rating scale (for pain, anxiety, depression, anger, fears, or any other subjective experiences) to help patients and their doctors to accurately communicate with each other.

Don't Be Stupid

CONTENTION

In the aftermath of a harrowing event, when our feelings are left raw and we have a belly-full of discomfort -- when we are anguished by our inability to effect a change in the dreaded outcome -- when we are desperately trying to quiet our desperation in the face of overwhelming feelings of helplessness -- when all actions are useless and deeds are meaningless and yet we are driven by the pain that is the motor of the very instinct that ensures our survival -- when there is no other pathway to inner peace, 

WE TURN ON EACH OTHER

and fight over this and that, aimlessly, recklessly, passionately as we attempt to comfort ourselves at the expense of others.

Pro-this vs anti-that; freedom vs security; less-filling vs tastes-great -- pick your battle. Our skirmishes are just attempts to quiet the desperate helplessness that we do NOT want to feel. Winning a little verbal argument makes us feel like we are in control of our lives and our world, once again.

So go ahead and fight over gun control, (or abortion, or taxes, or drug use, or religion, or politics, etc) and bring to bear all the passion-distorted "evidence" that you want. I know you're hurting and you just need to get it out. I am your comrade, your friend, your brother. I feel it, too. I understand.

You are safe with me. I am your therapist.

"The Cycle"

Have you noticed that you and your partner keep having the same fight, over and over again? The SUBJECT of the argument might change -- something she SAID, something he DID, something someone did NOT say or do -- but the struggle remains the same. One of us get angry and attacking, the other one gets withdrawn and rejecting. 

Under enough pressure, sometimes we BOTH get heavily into a mode of attack-and-defend and defend-by-attacking each other. Before you know it, the person that you know and love and have chosen ABOVE ALL OTHERS to be your one special partner feels like your very worst enemy.

That is a common occurrence for a married couple. Not everybody experiences it, and those that do are not having that experience all the time, BUT it is a common enough pattern that there are therapy models designed to address that very thing. That pattern of behavior in couples has been called "The CYCLE" by many. Below is one person's conceptualization of that interactive cycle. Emotionally Focused Therapy uses this kind of theory to help couples. 

Emotionally Focused Therapy training

Sometimes I think it's a sin, when I feel like I'm winnin' and I'm losin' again.

Are you AGGRESSIVE?

• Do you focus only on getting your needs met, even at the expense of others' ?
• Do you consider your own opinion to be fact, and others' opinions to be irrelevant?
• Do you make decisions for other people, whether they want you to or not?
• Do you often use confrontation to get what you want?
• Do you tend to lose your temper?
• Do you shout or use bully techniques to get your way?
• Do you talk faster and louder than others to make your point heard?
• Do you call other people names and use obscenities when angry?
• Do you invade others' comfort zones with your body language.
• Do you refuse to take "no"  for an answer?
• Do you continue to argue long after someone has had enough?
• Do you prefer to use coercion rather than persuasion?
• Do you openly criticize or find fault with others' ideas, options, or behaviors?
• Do you find fault in others and excuse your own feelings and behaviors?

Those are AGGRESSIVE behaviors. The thing is, aggressive behavior often produces good results -- in the short run. While a passive person might suffer immediately from his/her own behavior (the pain of denying their own feelings, the lack of having their needs met), an aggressive person might experience satisfaction as their immediate needs are met, they feel acknowledged, and they have accomplished a victory over another. It is not always apparent to an aggressive person that they are harming their relationship with others, and that relationship satisfaction is important.

A common pattern in unhappy marriages is that as a result of conflict in the early stages of the relationship, one partner chooses to start "losing" for the sake of "keeping the peace." The other partner, thereby, was rewarded for his/her aggressive behavior. His/her needs were met, the level of conflict was reduced, he/she thought it was settled and saw no need to examine or change his/her aggressive tactics. It is not until much later (sometimes many years later), when the passive partner can no longer abide the role of being the lone self-sacrificer, does the aggressive partner come to learn that his/her "winning" at the expense of his/her partner was so damaging to the relationship.

Those of us that are old enough to remember it, would recognize Gordon Lightfoot's song, SUNDOWN. It has a catchy tune and was very popular, back in the day. A line in the song is "Sometimes I think it's a sin when I feel like I'm winnin' when I'm losin' again." It is often the experience of an aggressive person that they are winning, but really they are losing in the long run, and they cannot understand why. That their winning ways are causing them to lose, just seems wrong -- it seems like a sin. 

LISTENING -- it oughta come natural, but it doesn't.

I enjoyed teaching a workshop on conflict management, recently. What follows is a brief portion of that presentation.
~~~
RESOLVING FAMILY CONFLICT
~
Family conflict is not something to be avoided or feared. Whether between husband and wife, parent and child, or siblings, conflicts are OPPORTUNITIES. They are opportunities to learn about each other, discover ourselves, and to strengthen the ties that bind us together as a family.

We all have a natural tendency to approach conflicts ineffectively. We strive to be heard. We want our counterpart to understand us. "Listening" is an exercise in patience while we wait our turn to talk. We are LISTENING to RESPOND.

The wise among us have learned to LISTEN to UNDERSTAND. They exercise emotional self-control. They practice active listening. They validate their partner. Through their actions they establish a culture of respect in their family.

Healthy LISTENING SKILLS are not complicated. They just do not come naturally. It is easy enough to learn them, and they can be practiced many times on a daily basis.

It is my job and my joy to help families to grow in understanding, love, and trust for each other. Appropriate conflict management is an excellent step in that direction. Learning to LISTEN EFFECTIVELY is how conflict management happens best.

Benzodiazapines and Side-Effects

Are you are taking a Benzodiazapine?  

Common ones are:

Ativan (lorazepam), Dalmane (flurazepam), Valium (diazepam), Doral (quazepam), Halcion (triazolam), Klonopin (clonazepam), Librium (chlordiazepoxide), Paxipam (halazepam), ProSom (estazolam), Restoril (temazepam), Serax (oxazepam), Tranxene-SD (clorazepate), Xanax (alprazolam)

If you are using one of those medications, you should know that there are potential side-effects that you might want to avoid. There is a lot of very good information from very credible sources that suggests that use of those drugs interferes with learning. Long-term use of that medicine can have more serious consequences.

I am not trying to scare anyone. There can be very good reasons to use "bennies" as prescribed. But there ARE ALTERNATIVES.  Certain SSRIs can address anxiety with much less side-effect.  Cognitive-behavioral strategies can be learned and utilized to great benefit.

Read about Benzodiazapines yourself, and decide. I have included a link to an extremely well respected publication, PSYCHOLOGY TODAY.

Remember To Say It Out Loud

Who do you love?  Why do you love them?  

Is it your daughter, because of how young and healthy and energetic and pretty and smart and optimistic she is and because when you see her you want to smile?  Because she is a smaller and BETTER version of you?

Is it your wife, because of how persistent and dedicated and reliable and soft and sarcastically clever and socially astute and sexually shapely and appropriately motherly to your children she is?  Because she puts up with you and your short-comings and "has-your-back?"

Is it your son, because of how resolute and brave and determined and handsome and charming and wryly humorous and suddenly silly and openly ambitious and fantastically fun he is?  Because when you look at him you see your little brother except you can be nice, now, in ways you never were in your childhood?

Is it your husband, because of how strong and solution focused and protective and thick skinned and efficient and tender and affectionate and vulnerable and willing to fail and warmly authoritative and stubborn he is? Because you know that if necessary he would do anything and give everything for you?

Is it those people, or others?  Is it for those reasons, or for many other reasons?  Whatever the reason and whoever it is, do not forget to mention it -- out loud.

It is good that you think it in your own head, and feel it in your own heart, and can hold these thoughts and feelings in tightly compressed spaces in your head and heart so that you have room to do other things that have to get done. But do not leave them packed away there too long or too deeply compressed, so that they lose their shape. Take your admiration out of storage and share it with your loved ones. Tell them out loud and tell them often.

The golden ratio of positive to negative interactions in a healthy and happy relationship is five to one.
5:1.
$1.00 : $0.20.
Free throw : layup.
It is pretty easy to fulfill the minimum daily requirement of negativity. It takes work to maintain the lopsidedly healthy five-to-one balance.

Minimize the negativity, and practice practice practice practice practice being positive -- out loud, so they can hear you!  :)

Are You Passive?

     Do you find yourself saying "yes" when you would rather say "no?"

     Do you blame other people for your unhappiness? 

     Do you feel that it would be impolite to ask for what you want? 
     Do you fear making other people angry?
     Being overly passive with others can lead to very unsatisfying results, including passive/aggressiveness.

     Assertive behaviors elevate all parties involved. Interactions are more effective and relationships are more genuine and rewarding.

Here are some important "rules" of assertive behavior.

THE BASIC TENETS OF AN ASSERTIVE PHILOSOPHY

1. I show respect for myself and achieve respect from other people by standing up for my rights.
2. I end up hurting myself and other people by trying to govern my life so as to never hurt anyone.
3.  Sacrificing my rights usually results in destroying relationships or preventing ones from forming.
4. Not letting others know how I feel and what I think is a form of selfishness.
5. Sacrificing my rights usually results in training other people to mistreat me.
6. If I don’t tell other people how their behavior negatively effects me, I am denying them an opportunity to change their behavior.
7. I can decide what’s important for me, I do not have to suffer from the “tyranny of the should and should not.”
8. When I do what I think is right for me, I feel better about myself and have more authentic and satisfying relationships with others.
9. I have a natural right to courtesy and respect, just as others do.
10. I have a right to express myself as long as I don’t violate the rights of others.
11. There is more to be gained from life by being free and able to stand up for myself and from honoring the same rights of other people.
12. When I am assertive, everyone involved usually benefits.

Adapted from: Jakubowski-Spector, P.(1977). Self-Assertive Training Procedures For Women. In D.Carter and E.Rawlings (Eds.), Psychotherapy with women. Springfield, IL: Charles Thomas

Cyber-Bullying. Same Threat, Different Medium

We all know that the world has changed and keeps changing.  I know that I sound old when I marvel at the technological divide between the generations, but it is so striking that I cannot resist.  My father struggled to use a computer for emails. I embrace modern technology, but still remember using typewriters. I also lived when phones had no answering machines or call-waiting, when long  distance cost extra, and when making a connection with someone took time and was never guaranteed.  My children can share pictures, videos, and conversations over cells phones, computers, and tablets with nearly anyone at anytime, and almost instantly.

This is the age of information technology, social media, the internet, and massive cell-phone coverage -- in short, everything all the time.  Along with the blessings of our changed world comes an unwanted evil that can feel unexpected and daunting.  

Cyber-bullying has gotten a lot of attention, lately, and rightfully so.  But it is nothing really new.  Bullying has been around for a long time and cyber-bullying is just another way to do the same old thing.  Studies have shown that there is not much difference between cyber and real-time bullying in terms of the effects and prevention strategies. Bullies exploit vulnerabilities. Our children need to learn to "stand up" to the aggression and to "change the exchange."

Whether in real-life or online, standing up to a bully means refusing to be their victim.  You can leave the situation, you might choose to assert your right to have peace, and you can even ask for assistance from others.  Just like in "the good old days" when I went to school (back when girls were not allowed to wear pants to school and boys were required to keep their shirts tucked in) the very BEST resource for protecting children from being bullied is a good relationship with parents.

Parents are there to teach children to "stand up" for themselves.  A good relationship with your son or  daughter means that they need not be alone through whatever trials they face, especially emotionally difficult ones.  As your child matures and grows toward adulthood, parents teach them to develop assertive and effective interpersonal skills in a variety of situations.  Social media is just another of those situations.  There are ways to stand up for yourself.  There are ways to block offensive language and people.  There are times when NOT responding is the most effective defensive against an online bully.  Even though unpleasant situations are, well, unpleasant to go through, it is a blessing for children to be able to go through them with the guidance and protection of wise and loving parents.

For those parents that feel inadequately trained, or otherwise overwhelmed by the job of teaching your children to assertively "stand up" for themselves rather than to regress into the childish behavior of passivity or aggression, there is help.  The internet is not only used for bullying, it is also a great source of information about how to prevent and stop it.  A google search of cyberbullying prevention yields over 600,000 websites.  In 49 of the 50 states in the US,  anti-bullying laws have been passed.

(http://cyberbullying.us/Bullying_and_Cyberbullying_Laws.pdf)

The bedrock of protecting yourself from a bully is the ability to stand up for yourself.  Parents should consider sharpening their own assertiveness skills as they face the need to teach their children.  And if you need help, the internet is an excellent tool for finding the help you need.  And if you need help finding the information on the internet, just ask your children -- they'll find it for you in less than a minute.

Tip of the Week: Carrots and Sticks

All relationships use both rewards and punishments.  Carrots and sticks can each be very motivational,  but the best results happen when we understand the following:

>A carrot dangles in front, a stick strikes from behind.

>A carrot attracts, a stick repels.

>A carrot is a focal point, a stick means pain.

>A carrot is a goal to strive toward, a stick is something to be avoided.

>A carrot can add to good feelings, a stick's most positive result is the lack of bad feelings.

>A carrot strengthens relationships, a stick increases separation.

>You can move someone with a stick, you can steer someone with a carrot.

Tip of the Week: Listening

When you are having a "talk" with someone important to you, remember to "listen" with your eyes.  A person's face can say a lot with just a grimace, a smile, a tear, a distant focus, an expression of boredom, a look of disdain, or by turning away.  If you are not watching, you can miss responses that provide immediate and important information.

Also, by listening to THEM you will learn whether or not they are listening to YOU.  If they are NOT listening to you, then continued "talking" is a waste of time and energy and probably sets yourself up for frustration.  Instead of getting angry, get smart and change tactics.  If getting angry IS your change of tactics, you may want to expand your options.  :-)

Another Good Read

Is the instinctive belief in God a blessing from him, bestowed upon us for any of several imaginable reasons?  Or, does god exist only in our imagination because that belief is a functional adaption to the world in which we live?

Bering does a great job of explaining his idea that we have instinctive beliefs that do not require and do not conform with objective, logical, and scientific thinking.  In the end, the meaning of that finding is up to the reader to decide.

Whether you agree with the author's conclusions or not, this book is an important read for those who are psychologically, scientifically, and religiously minded.  The book is written with a good balance of empiricism, humor, and respect.

False Dichotomy

• COKE v PEPSI
• McDONALDS v BURGER KING
• IBM v MAC
• REPUBLICAN v DEMOCRAT 

We are trained, in our culture, to accept and even expect the notion of two mutually exclusive choices.  That notion is not confined to commercial enterprises.  The same false dilemma is found in debates of weightier matters:

• NATURE v NURTURE
• MIND v BODY
• GOOD v EVIL

Things are just so rarely black and white.  It is almost never the case that there are only two realistic, viable choices. But more important than the truth that a dichotomy is not sufficiently comprehensive, is the reality that  that often one choice cannot exist without the other.  There is no nurture without nature, no mind without body, and good loses its meaning without evil.

Whichever side you choose to be on top, there must be one on the bottom: there is no top without a bottom.

A Really Great Self-Help Book for Child-Discipline

There are so many self-help books on the bookstore shelves that it is hard to know which ones are good and which ones are not. HOW TO BEHAVE SO YOUR CHILDREN WILL TOO by SAL SEVERE is one of the very best ones, in my opinion. I have recommended it to many of my patients and have heard nothing but great responses.

By the way, I get nothing for this endorsement other than the satisfaction of knowing that I have made a good recommendation.

Child Discipline Tip: Follow-through & Consistency = Trust

One of the complaints that many parents have about their child is that they cannot trust her. One of the most important principles for parents to learn is that they themselves (the parents) have to be trustworthy by following-through and being consistent. A parent must be willing to do what they promise they will do when establishing consequences for their child's behavior. That includes controlling their own emotions (not using discipline as an outlet for anger) and even being flexible. But it does not mean ignoring, conveniently forgetting, capriciously changing, or just giving-up on established rules. In an ironic twist of fate, the important question parents need to ask themselves is "can my child trust ME?"

Addiction

Confusion, frustration, and futility: feelings expressed by battlers of addiction.

Thoughts, feelings, and behaviors: somewhere the cycle has to be broken.

Information, connection, and genuine charity: there is real hope.

Are you addicted to pornography, cigarettes, overeating, gambling, or unrequited love? Are you ready to do something that has a real chance for success? "Twelve-step" programs have helped so many people. Follow these links to some very good information and resources.

• Addiction Recovery Program, pdf manual
• Addiction Recovery, by Lia McClanahan (Ensign, June 2009)
• Addiction Recovery Program, description found at the Provident Living website
• Combating Pornography website 

Recommended Reading: Life of Pi

What a great book to read for recreation, mental and emotional stimulation, as well as spiritual rejuvenation. I highly recommend that you read this book along with a good friend so that you can talk about it when you are done.

What a blessing it is in our lives to have the ability and the opportunity to read.