CONTENTION

In the aftermath of a harrowing event, when our feelings are left raw and we have a belly-full of discomfort -- when we are anguished by our inability to effect a change in the dreaded outcome -- when we are desperately trying to quiet our desperation in the face of overwhelming feelings of helplessness -- when all actions are useless and deeds are meaningless and yet we are driven by the pain that is the motor of the very instinct that ensures our survival -- when there is no other pathway to inner peace, 

WE TURN ON EACH OTHER

and fight over this and that, aimlessly, recklessly, passionately as we attempt to comfort ourselves at the expense of others.

Pro-this vs anti-that; freedom vs security; less-filling vs tastes-great -- pick your battle. Our skirmishes are just attempts to quiet the desperate helplessness that we do NOT want to feel. Winning a little verbal argument makes us feel like we are in control of our lives and our world, once again.

So go ahead and fight over gun control, (or abortion, or taxes, or drug use, or religion, or politics, etc) and bring to bear all the passion-distorted "evidence" that you want. I know you're hurting and you just need to get it out. I am your comrade, your friend, your brother. I feel it, too. I understand.

You are safe with me. I am your therapist.

Shoulder to Shoulder, or Face to Face

In his book Gender Matters, Dr Leonard Sax says that boys and girls have a fundamentally different approach to life's activities. He says that boys stand "shoulder to shoulder" and girls prefer "face to face." Boys build relationships around activities that they are focused upon (shoulder-to-shoulder looking at the activity together). Girls use activities as an excuse to talk to each other (face-to-face), and the talking and sharing is the basis of their relationships. Boys do not need or even want much talking -- it can be a distraction.

When we grow up and get married, those same inherent differences can really work against a close relationship if we misunderstand our partner. A wife can feel that her husband's lack of verbal skills (ignores her) means he does not love her. A husband can feel that his wife's constant talking (nagging) means that she does not love him. All-the-while both spouses may be trying to engender in their partner the very opposite feelings in the only way that they know how.

While gender differences can be a real hindrance to a marriage, they are also the very thing that make that special relationship the foundation of never-ending growth. Different perspectives, different emotional sensibilities, and different rational skills can be a valuable blessing to the partners who learn to work together in spite of their opposition.