CONTENTION

In the aftermath of a harrowing event, when our feelings are left raw and we have a belly-full of discomfort -- when we are anguished by our inability to effect a change in the dreaded outcome -- when we are desperately trying to quiet our desperation in the face of overwhelming feelings of helplessness -- when all actions are useless and deeds are meaningless and yet we are driven by the pain that is the motor of the very instinct that ensures our survival -- when there is no other pathway to inner peace, 

WE TURN ON EACH OTHER

and fight over this and that, aimlessly, recklessly, passionately as we attempt to comfort ourselves at the expense of others.

Pro-this vs anti-that; freedom vs security; less-filling vs tastes-great -- pick your battle. Our skirmishes are just attempts to quiet the desperate helplessness that we do NOT want to feel. Winning a little verbal argument makes us feel like we are in control of our lives and our world, once again.

So go ahead and fight over gun control, (or abortion, or taxes, or drug use, or religion, or politics, etc) and bring to bear all the passion-distorted "evidence" that you want. I know you're hurting and you just need to get it out. I am your comrade, your friend, your brother. I feel it, too. I understand.

You are safe with me. I am your therapist.

Sometimes I think it's a sin, when I feel like I'm winnin' and I'm losin' again.

Are you AGGRESSIVE?

• Do you focus only on getting your needs met, even at the expense of others' ?
• Do you consider your own opinion to be fact, and others' opinions to be irrelevant?
• Do you make decisions for other people, whether they want you to or not?
• Do you often use confrontation to get what you want?
• Do you tend to lose your temper?
• Do you shout or use bully techniques to get your way?
• Do you talk faster and louder than others to make your point heard?
• Do you call other people names and use obscenities when angry?
• Do you invade others' comfort zones with your body language.
• Do you refuse to take "no"  for an answer?
• Do you continue to argue long after someone has had enough?
• Do you prefer to use coercion rather than persuasion?
• Do you openly criticize or find fault with others' ideas, options, or behaviors?
• Do you find fault in others and excuse your own feelings and behaviors?

Those are AGGRESSIVE behaviors. The thing is, aggressive behavior often produces good results -- in the short run. While a passive person might suffer immediately from his/her own behavior (the pain of denying their own feelings, the lack of having their needs met), an aggressive person might experience satisfaction as their immediate needs are met, they feel acknowledged, and they have accomplished a victory over another. It is not always apparent to an aggressive person that they are harming their relationship with others, and that relationship satisfaction is important.

A common pattern in unhappy marriages is that as a result of conflict in the early stages of the relationship, one partner chooses to start "losing" for the sake of "keeping the peace." The other partner, thereby, was rewarded for his/her aggressive behavior. His/her needs were met, the level of conflict was reduced, he/she thought it was settled and saw no need to examine or change his/her aggressive tactics. It is not until much later (sometimes many years later), when the passive partner can no longer abide the role of being the lone self-sacrificer, does the aggressive partner come to learn that his/her "winning" at the expense of his/her partner was so damaging to the relationship.

Those of us that are old enough to remember it, would recognize Gordon Lightfoot's song, SUNDOWN. It has a catchy tune and was very popular, back in the day. A line in the song is "Sometimes I think it's a sin when I feel like I'm winnin' when I'm losin' again." It is often the experience of an aggressive person that they are winning, but really they are losing in the long run, and they cannot understand why. That their winning ways are causing them to lose, just seems wrong -- it seems like a sin. 

Cyber-Bullying. Same Threat, Different Medium

We all know that the world has changed and keeps changing.  I know that I sound old when I marvel at the technological divide between the generations, but it is so striking that I cannot resist.  My father struggled to use a computer for emails. I embrace modern technology, but still remember using typewriters. I also lived when phones had no answering machines or call-waiting, when long  distance cost extra, and when making a connection with someone took time and was never guaranteed.  My children can share pictures, videos, and conversations over cells phones, computers, and tablets with nearly anyone at anytime, and almost instantly.

This is the age of information technology, social media, the internet, and massive cell-phone coverage -- in short, everything all the time.  Along with the blessings of our changed world comes an unwanted evil that can feel unexpected and daunting.  

Cyber-bullying has gotten a lot of attention, lately, and rightfully so.  But it is nothing really new.  Bullying has been around for a long time and cyber-bullying is just another way to do the same old thing.  Studies have shown that there is not much difference between cyber and real-time bullying in terms of the effects and prevention strategies. Bullies exploit vulnerabilities. Our children need to learn to "stand up" to the aggression and to "change the exchange."

Whether in real-life or online, standing up to a bully means refusing to be their victim.  You can leave the situation, you might choose to assert your right to have peace, and you can even ask for assistance from others.  Just like in "the good old days" when I went to school (back when girls were not allowed to wear pants to school and boys were required to keep their shirts tucked in) the very BEST resource for protecting children from being bullied is a good relationship with parents.

Parents are there to teach children to "stand up" for themselves.  A good relationship with your son or  daughter means that they need not be alone through whatever trials they face, especially emotionally difficult ones.  As your child matures and grows toward adulthood, parents teach them to develop assertive and effective interpersonal skills in a variety of situations.  Social media is just another of those situations.  There are ways to stand up for yourself.  There are ways to block offensive language and people.  There are times when NOT responding is the most effective defensive against an online bully.  Even though unpleasant situations are, well, unpleasant to go through, it is a blessing for children to be able to go through them with the guidance and protection of wise and loving parents.

For those parents that feel inadequately trained, or otherwise overwhelmed by the job of teaching your children to assertively "stand up" for themselves rather than to regress into the childish behavior of passivity or aggression, there is help.  The internet is not only used for bullying, it is also a great source of information about how to prevent and stop it.  A google search of cyberbullying prevention yields over 600,000 websites.  In 49 of the 50 states in the US,  anti-bullying laws have been passed.

(http://cyberbullying.us/Bullying_and_Cyberbullying_Laws.pdf)

The bedrock of protecting yourself from a bully is the ability to stand up for yourself.  Parents should consider sharpening their own assertiveness skills as they face the need to teach their children.  And if you need help, the internet is an excellent tool for finding the help you need.  And if you need help finding the information on the internet, just ask your children -- they'll find it for you in less than a minute.

Tip of the Week: Assertiveness

Assertiveness is easily misunderstood. It is not Aggressiveness, which demands respect but does not necessarily give it. It is not passivity, which gives respect but does not defend itself. Assertiveness is characterized by mutual respect -- a simultaneous acknowledgment of the rights and responsibilities of both parties involved in a dispute.

To use a food metaphor, assertiveness is the delicious middle between the top-crust of aggression and the soggy-bottom of passivity in the sandwich of human interaction. Yes, maybe the bread is an unavoidably necessary part of the hand-held meal, but it is the portion between the slices that is the tasty focus of the whole endeavor.

In my mind, the best sandwiches have succulent centers stacked high between two thinly sliced pieces of bread. In my life, the best relationships are jam-packed with mutual respect and make allowances for the occasional mistake of aggressive or passive behavior.