tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11254055413208847722024-03-14T02:12:03.777-04:00Frahm Psychological ServicesDr Frahmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02438243654556571667noreply@blogger.comBlogger31125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1125405541320884772.post-81068118753745046172019-08-09T13:13:00.000-04:002019-08-09T13:13:17.600-04:00The GOLDEN RATIOTo keep relationships healthy, strong, and connected, five "goods" are needed for every one "bad."<br />
<br />
Parents need to find a way to say five yes's for every no; they need to praise five times as much as they scold.<br />
<br />
Lovers need to embrace and attune five times as much as they argue and reject each other.<br />
<br />
Teachers should reward five times more than they penalize.<br />
<br />
Much of this happens normally, naturally. But sometimes relationships can get twisted into a cycle of negativity and discomfort. When that happens it is important to recognize and to take steps to make a change.<br />
<br />
The GOLDEN RATIO: five positive for every negative: 5/1<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uGeDgZPRPyY/XU2nKXX6uvI/AAAAAAAA3tU/2I2NHxXsuMY7PTQFpwnrvrz4fV68n4b6gCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_1694.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1138" data-original-width="1125" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uGeDgZPRPyY/XU2nKXX6uvI/AAAAAAAA3tU/2I2NHxXsuMY7PTQFpwnrvrz4fV68n4b6gCLcBGAs/s640/IMG_1694.JPG" width="632" /></a></div>
<span id="goog_317206158"></span><span id="goog_317206159"></span><br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1125405541320884772.post-13297218014474740592019-07-26T02:21:00.003-04:002019-07-26T02:21:42.368-04:00Symptom Rating Scale<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pa2PqDYG3Gg/XTqaFCkK-FI/AAAAAAAA3sE/dOjhRJxX-M0HeClB_Zf9EbEXbggU4hN8QCLcBGAs/s1600/9ED9ECF8-7ABB-41C4-B437-CA0092E59CE2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="705" data-original-width="1079" height="418" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pa2PqDYG3Gg/XTqaFCkK-FI/AAAAAAAA3sE/dOjhRJxX-M0HeClB_Zf9EbEXbggU4hN8QCLcBGAs/s640/9ED9ECF8-7ABB-41C4-B437-CA0092E59CE2.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
An effective rating scale (for pain, anxiety, depression, anger, fears, or any other subjective experiences) to help patients and their doctors to accurately communicate with each other.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1125405541320884772.post-59310359050762194182019-07-13T01:32:00.000-04:002019-07-13T01:32:09.838-04:00Don't Be Stupid<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9DlDykE_CVI/XSlsZzKKbLI/AAAAAAAA3mY/uyo4TnyD5RoKCoNh9ve_0OBhj3j_VXyoQCK4BGAYYCw/s1600/Screen%2BShot%2B2019-07-13%2Bat%2B1.29.05%2BAM.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9DlDykE_CVI/XSlsZzKKbLI/AAAAAAAA3mY/uyo4TnyD5RoKCoNh9ve_0OBhj3j_VXyoQCK4BGAYYCw/s1600/Screen%2BShot%2B2019-07-13%2Bat%2B1.29.05%2BAM.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1125405541320884772.post-45844288777642967932016-07-26T01:59:00.000-04:002016-07-26T02:06:00.315-04:00CONTENTION<div style="background-color: font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 19.32px; margin-bottom: 6px;">
<span style="line-height: 19.32px;">In the aftermath of a harrowing event, when our feelings are left raw and we have a belly-full of discomfort -- when we are anguished by our inability to effect a change in the dreaded outcome -- when we are desperately trying to quiet our desperation in the face of overwhelming feelings of helplessness -- when all actions are useless and deeds are meaningless and yet we are driven by the pain that is the motor of the very instinct that ensures our survival -- when there is no other pathway to inner peace, </span><br />
<span style="line-height: 19.32px;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; display: inline; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 19.32px;">
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
<span style="line-height: 19.32px;">WE TURN ON EACH OTHER</span><br />
<br />
<span style="line-height: 19.32px;">and fight over this and that, aimlessly, recklessly, passionately as we attempt to comfort ourselves at the expense of others.</span><br />
<span style="line-height: 19.32px;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
Pro-this vs anti-that; freedom vs security; less-filling vs tastes-great -- pick your battle. Our skirmishes are just attempts to quiet the desperate helplessness that we do NOT want to feel. Winning a little verbal argument makes us feel like we are in control of our lives and our world, once again.<br />
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
So go ahead and fight over gun control, (or abortion, or taxes, or drug use, or religion, or politics, etc) and bring to bear all the passion-distorted "evidence" that you want. I know you're hurting and you just need to get it out. I am your comrade, your friend, your brother. I feel it, too. I understand.<br />
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
You are safe with me. I am your therapist.</div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1125405541320884772.post-84894717109685487572016-03-07T11:56:00.002-05:002016-03-07T11:56:50.370-05:00"The Cycle"<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Have you noticed that you and your partner keep having the same fight, over and over again? The SUBJECT of the argument might change -- something she SAID, something he DID, something someone did NOT say or do -- but the struggle remains the same. One of us get angry and attacking, the other one gets withdrawn and rejecting. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Under enough pressure, sometimes we BOTH get heavily into a mode of attack-and-defend and defend-by-attacking each other. Before you know it, the person that you know and love and have chosen ABOVE ALL OTHERS to be your one special partner feels like your very worst enemy.</div>
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<br /></div>
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That is a common occurrence for a married couple. Not everybody experiences it, and those that do are not having that experience all the time, BUT it is a common enough pattern that there are therapy models designed to address that very thing. That pattern of behavior in couples has been called "The CYCLE" by many. Below is one person's conceptualization of that interactive cycle. Emotionally Focused Therapy uses this kind of theory to help couples. </div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VdbN7Cgg_pE/Vt2suXhX4NI/AAAAAAAAbYI/Jy0LOpgs6j8/s1600/EFT-Cycle-final-version.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="494" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VdbN7Cgg_pE/Vt2suXhX4NI/AAAAAAAAbYI/Jy0LOpgs6j8/s640/EFT-Cycle-final-version.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1125405541320884772.post-43818259817413123862015-11-25T12:08:00.000-05:002015-11-25T12:08:39.470-05:00Emotionally Focused Therapy training<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-UhbTOPwusY0/VlXqy1fA_SI/AAAAAAAAaK0/AZ3jjA71l9Y/s1600/S%2BFrahm%2BICEEFT%2BCertificate%2BTampa-page-001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="494" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-UhbTOPwusY0/VlXqy1fA_SI/AAAAAAAAaK0/AZ3jjA71l9Y/s640/S%2BFrahm%2BICEEFT%2BCertificate%2BTampa-page-001.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1125405541320884772.post-37773853217392804732015-04-09T16:05:00.001-04:002015-04-15T13:41:03.685-04:00Sometimes I think it's a sin, when I feel like I'm winnin' and I'm losin' again.<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Are you
AGGRESSIVE?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
</div>
<ul>
<li>Do you focus
only on getting your needs met, even at the expense of others' ?</li>
<li>Do you
consider your own opinion to be fact, and others' opinions to be irrelevant?</li>
<li>Do you make
decisions for other people, whether they want you to or not?</li>
<li>Do you often
use confrontation to get what you want?</li>
<li>Do you tend
to lose your temper?</li>
<li>Do you shout
or use bully techniques to get your way?</li>
<li>Do you talk
faster and louder than others to make your point heard?</li>
<li>Do you call
other people names and use obscenities when angry?</li>
<li>Do you invade others' comfort zones with your
body language.</li>
<li>Do you
refuse to take "no" for an
answer?</li>
<li>Do you
continue to argue long after someone has had enough?</li>
<li>Do you prefer
to use coercion rather than persuasion?</li>
<li>Do you
openly criticize or find fault with others' ideas, options, or behaviors?</li>
<li>Do you find
fault in others and excuse your own feelings and behaviors?</li>
</ul>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Those are AGGRESSIVE behaviors. The thing is, aggressive
behavior often produces good results -- in the short run. While a passive person
might suffer immediately from his/her own behavior (the pain of denying their own
feelings, the lack of having their needs met), an aggressive person might
experience satisfaction as their immediate needs are met, they feel acknowledged,
and they have accomplished a victory over another. It is not always apparent to
an aggressive person that they are harming their relationship with others, and
that relationship satisfaction is important. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-rTkQBnooT04/VSbZ-VFeXtI/AAAAAAAAWKQ/PnkIQdDAGbI/s1600/angry%2Bjack-nicholson-the-shining.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-rTkQBnooT04/VSbZ-VFeXtI/AAAAAAAAWKQ/PnkIQdDAGbI/s1600/angry%2Bjack-nicholson-the-shining.jpg" height="123" width="200" /></a>A common pattern in unhappy marriages is that as a result of conflict in the early
stages of the relationship, one partner chooses to start "losing" for
the sake of "keeping the peace." The other partner, thereby, was
rewarded for his/her aggressive behavior. His/her needs were met, the level of
conflict was reduced, he/she thought it was settled and saw no need to examine
or change his/her aggressive tactics. It is not until much later (sometimes
many years later), when the passive partner can no longer abide the role of being the
lone self-sacrificer, does the aggressive partner come to learn that his/her
"winning" at the expense of his/her partner was so damaging to the
relationship. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_fPVBUWjWRo/VSbaXRJ7XpI/AAAAAAAAWKo/HK8bN6UdSGY/s1600/angryy%2B54eabb94a3144_-_08-angry-woman_medium-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_fPVBUWjWRo/VSbaXRJ7XpI/AAAAAAAAWKo/HK8bN6UdSGY/s1600/angryy%2B54eabb94a3144_-_08-angry-woman_medium-1.jpg" height="200" width="190" /></a>Those of us
that are old enough to remember it, would recognize Gordon Lightfoot's song, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8rR7E6NfY4" target="_blank">SUNDOWN</a>. It has a catchy tune and was very popular, back in the day. A line in the song
is "Sometimes I think it's a sin when I feel like I'm winnin' when I'm
losin' again." It is often the experience of an aggressive person that
they are winning, but really they are losing in the long run, and they cannot
understand why. That their winning ways are causing them to lose, just seems
wrong -- it seems like a sin. </div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1125405541320884772.post-54158319633620755872014-11-03T11:20:00.000-05:002014-11-03T11:22:14.649-05:00LISTENING -- it oughta come natural, but it doesn't.I enjoyed teaching a workshop on conflict management, recently. What follows is a brief portion of that presentation.<br />
~~~<br />
RESOLVING FAMILY CONFLICT<br />
~<br />
Family conflict is not something to be avoided or feared. Whether between husband and wife, parent and child, or siblings, conflicts are OPPORTUNITIES. They are opportunities to learn about each other, discover ourselves, and to strengthen the ties that bind us together as a family.<br />
<br />
We all have a natural tendency to approach conflicts ineffectively. We strive to be heard. We want our counterpart to understand us. "Listening" is an exercise in patience while we wait our turn to talk. We are LISTENING to RESPOND.<br />
<br />
The wise among us have learned to LISTEN to UNDERSTAND. They exercise emotional self-control. They practice active listening. They validate their partner. Through their actions they establish a culture of respect in their family.<br />
<br />
Healthy LISTENING SKILLS are not complicated. They just do not come naturally. It is easy enough to learn them, and they can be practiced many times on a daily basis.<br />
<br />
It is my job and my joy to help families to grow in understanding, love, and trust for each other. Appropriate conflict management is an excellent step in that direction. Learning to LISTEN EFFECTIVELY is how conflict management happens best.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1125405541320884772.post-63937249479257796052014-07-30T17:18:00.000-04:002014-07-30T17:22:02.998-04:00Benzodiazapines and Side-Effects<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; margin-top: 6px;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://media.cirrusmedia.com.au/PN_Media_Library/pills3_web.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://media.cirrusmedia.com.au/PN_Media_Library/pills3_web.jpg" height="200" width="200" /></a><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Are you are taking a Benzodiazapine? </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Common ones are:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ativan (lorazepam), Dalmane (flurazepam), Valium
(diazepam), Doral (quazepam), Halcion (triazolam), Klonopin (clonazepam),
Librium (chlordiazepoxide), Paxipam (halazepam), ProSom (estazolam), Restoril
(temazepam), Serax (oxazepam), Tranxene-SD (clorazepate), Xanax (alprazolam)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you are using one of those medications, you should know
that there are potential side-effects that you might want to avoid. There is a
lot of very good information from very credible sources that suggests that use
of those drugs interferes with learning. Long-term use of that medicine can
have more serious consequences.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am not trying to scare anyone. There can be very good
reasons to use "bennies" as prescribed. But there ARE ALTERNATIVES.
Certain SSRIs can address anxiety with much less side-effect.
Cognitive-behavioral strategies can be learned and utilized to great
benefit.</span></div>
<span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Read about Benzodiazapines yourself, and decide.
I have included a link to an extremely well respected publication, <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/side-effects/201011/brain-damage-benzodiazepines-the-troubling-facts-risks-and-history-minor-tr">PSYCHOLOGY
TODAY</a>.</span></span><br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1125405541320884772.post-67992193147361323772014-05-28T16:28:00.004-04:002014-05-28T16:57:58.423-04:00Remember To Say It Out Loud<div style="text-align: left;">
<b>Who do you love? Why do you love them? </b> </div>
<br />
Is it your daughter, because of how young and healthy and energetic and pretty and smart and optimistic she is and because when you see her you want to smile? Because she is a smaller and BETTER version of you?<br />
<br />
Is it your wife, because of how persistent and dedicated and reliable and soft and sarcastically clever and socially astute and sexually shapely and appropriately motherly to your children she is? Because she puts up with you and your short-comings and "has-your-back?"<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-o_tn-N12fRY/U4ZGtq3PCfI/AAAAAAAASGI/bmTJiO8yC_o/s1600/DSCF6887.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-o_tn-N12fRY/U4ZGtq3PCfI/AAAAAAAASGI/bmTJiO8yC_o/s1600/DSCF6887.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
Is it your son, because of how resolute and brave and determined and handsome and charming and wryly humorous and suddenly silly and openly ambitious and fantastically fun he is? Because when you look at him you see your little brother except you can be nice, now, in ways you never were in your childhood?<br />
<br />
Is it your husband, because of how strong and solution focused and protective and thick skinned and efficient and tender and affectionate and vulnerable and willing to fail and warmly authoritative and stubborn he is? Because you know that if necessary he would do anything and give everything for you?<br />
<br />
Is it those people, or others? Is it for those reasons, or for many other reasons? Whatever the reason and whoever it is, do not forget to mention it -- out loud. <br />
<br />
It is good that you think it in your own head, and feel it in your own heart, and can hold these thoughts and feelings in tightly compressed spaces in your head and heart so that you have room to do other things that have to get done. But do not leave them packed away there too long or too deeply compressed, so that they lose their shape. Take your admiration out of storage and share it with your loved ones. Tell them out loud and tell them often.<br />
<br />
The golden ratio of positive to negative interactions in a healthy and happy relationship is five to one. <br />
5:1. <br />
$1.00 : $0.20. <br />
Free throw : layup.<br />
It is pretty easy to fulfill the minimum daily requirement of negativity. It takes work to maintain the lopsidedly healthy five-to-one balance.<br />
<br />
Minimize the negativity, and practice practice practice practice practice being positive -- out loud, so they can hear you! :)Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1125405541320884772.post-31237065237071194672014-02-21T17:17:00.004-05:002014-07-17T14:29:31.470-04:00Are You Passive?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HqjznY4brVA/UwfQcWH2atI/AAAAAAAAQVA/iDukhm3-8m4/s1600/~~+passive+2011_08_17+138.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HqjznY4brVA/UwfQcWH2atI/AAAAAAAAQVA/iDukhm3-8m4/s1600/~~+passive+2011_08_17+138.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"> Do you find yourself saying "yes" when you would
rather say "no?"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> Do you blame other people for your unhappiness? </span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> Do you feel that it would be impolite to ask for what you want? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> Do you fear making other people angry?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> Being overly passive with others can lead to very unsatisfying results,
including passive/aggressiveness.</span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> Assertive behaviors elevate all parties involved. Interactions are more effective
and relationships are more genuine and rewarding.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Here are some important "rules" of assertive behavior.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">THE BASIC TENETS OF AN ASSERTIVE PHILOSOPHY</span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br />
<ol>
<li><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I show respect for myself and achieve respect from other people by standing
up for my rights.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I end up hurting myself and other people by trying to govern my life so as
to never hurt anyone.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> Sacrificing my rights usually results in destroying relationships or
preventing ones from forming.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Not letting others know how I feel and what I think is a form of
selfishness.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Sacrificing my rights usually results in training other people to mistreat
me.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">If I don’t tell other people how their behavior negatively effects me, I am
denying them an opportunity to change their behavior.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I can decide what’s important for me, I do not have to suffer from the
“tyranny of the should and should not.”</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">When I do what I think is right for me, I feel better about myself and have
more authentic and satisfying relationships with others.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I have a natural right to courtesy and respect, just as others do.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I have a right to express myself as long as I don’t violate the rights of
others.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">There is more to be gained from life by being free and able to stand up for
myself and from honoring the same rights of other people.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">When I am assertive, everyone involved usually benefits.</span></li>
</ol>
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Adapted from: Jakubowski-Spector, P.(1977). Self-Assertive Training Procedures
For Women. In D.Carter and E.Rawlings (Eds.), Psychotherapy with women.
Springfield, IL: Charles Thomas</span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1125405541320884772.post-89199890291394933632013-06-04T13:29:00.003-04:002013-06-04T13:45:36.636-04:00Cyber-Bullying. Same Threat, Different Medium<div style="text-align: justify;">
We all know that the world has changed and keeps changing. I know that I sound old when I marvel at the technological divide between the generations, but it is so striking that I cannot resist. My father struggled to use a computer for emails. I embrace modern technology, but still remember using typewriters. I also lived when phones had no answering machines or call-waiting, when long distance cost extra, and when making a connection with someone took time and was never guaranteed. My children can share pictures, videos, and conversations over cells phones, computers, and tablets with nearly anyone at anytime, and almost instantly.<br />
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This is the age of information technology, social media, the internet, and massive cell-phone coverage -- in short, everything all the time. Along with the blessings of our changed world comes an unwanted evil that can feel unexpected and daunting. </div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-7yT1x7QxHHg/UYmMkWMGVeI/AAAAAAAAL6o/zQNASQ5RIn4/s1600/5185-cyberbullying.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: justify;"><img border="0" height="265" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-7yT1x7QxHHg/UYmMkWMGVeI/AAAAAAAAL6o/zQNASQ5RIn4/s400/5185-cyberbullying.jpg" width="400" /></a>Cyber-bullying has gotten a lot of attention, lately, and rightfully so. But it is nothing really new. Bullying has been around for a long time and cyber-bullying is just another way to do the same old thing. Studies have shown that there is not much difference between cyber and real-time bullying in terms of the effects and prevention strategies. Bullies exploit vulnerabilities. Our children need to learn to "stand up" to the aggression and to "change the exchange."</div>
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Whether in real-life or online, standing up to a bully means refusing to be their victim. You can leave the situation, you might choose to assert your right to have peace, and you can even ask for assistance from others. Just like in "the good old days" when I went to school (back when girls were not allowed to wear pants to school and boys were required to keep their shirts tucked in) the very BEST resource for protecting children from being bullied is a good relationship with parents.</div>
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Parents are there to teach children to "stand up" for themselves. A good relationship with your son or daughter means that they need not be alone through whatever trials they face, especially emotionally difficult ones. As your child matures and grows toward adulthood, parents teach them to develop assertive and effective interpersonal skills in a variety of situations. Social media is just another of those situations. There are ways to stand up for yourself. There are ways to block offensive language and people. There are times when NOT responding is the most effective defensive against an online bully. Even though unpleasant situations are, well, unpleasant to go through, it is a blessing for children to be able to go through them with the guidance and protection of wise and loving parents.</div>
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For those parents that feel inadequately trained, or otherwise overwhelmed by the job of teaching your children to assertively "stand up" for themselves rather than to regress into the childish behavior of passivity or aggression, there is help. The internet is not only used for bullying, it is also a great source of information about how to prevent and stop it. A google search of cyberbullying prevention yields over 600,000 websites. In 49 of the 50 states in the US, anti-bullying laws have been passed.</div>
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(<a href="http://cyberbullying.us/Bullying_and_Cyberbullying_Laws.pdf">http://cyberbullying.us/Bullying_and_Cyberbullying_Laws.pdf</a>)</div>
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The bedrock of protecting yourself from a bully is the ability to stand up for yourself. Parents should consider sharpening their own assertiveness skills as they face the need to teach their children. And if you need help, the internet is an excellent tool for finding the help you need. And if you need help finding the information on the internet, just ask your children -- they'll find it for you in less than a minute.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1125405541320884772.post-86589862552141349592012-01-19T13:55:00.001-05:002012-01-19T14:00:11.148-05:00Tip of the Week: Carrots and Sticks<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-kPTcNjyasHQ/TxX4P53XtUI/AAAAAAAAGLw/-zJxUwxo9Qc/s1600/Carrot+and+stick+014.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-kPTcNjyasHQ/TxX4P53XtUI/AAAAAAAAGLw/-zJxUwxo9Qc/s320/Carrot+and+stick+014.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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All relationships use both rewards and punishments. Carrots and sticks can each be very motivational, but the best results happen when we understand the following:<br />
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>A carrot dangles in front, a stick strikes from behind. <br />
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>A carrot attracts, a stick repels.<br />
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>A carrot is a focal point, a stick means pain. <br />
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>A carrot is a goal to strive toward, a stick is something to be avoided.<br />
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>A carrot can add to good feelings, a stick's most positive result is the lack of bad feelings.<br />
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>A carrot strengthens relationships, a stick increases separation.<br />
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>You can move someone with a stick, you can steer someone with a carrot.<br />
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1125405541320884772.post-27153341180982228522012-01-05T16:27:00.001-05:002012-01-05T16:29:44.911-05:00Tip of the Week: Listening<div style="text-align: justify;">
When you are having a "talk" with someone important to you, remember to "listen" with your eyes. A person's face can say a lot with just a grimace, a smile, a tear, a distant focus, an expression of boredom, a look of disdain, or by turning away. If you are not watching, you can miss responses that provide immediate and important information.</div>
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Also, by listening to THEM you will learn whether or not they are listening to YOU. If they are NOT listening to you, then continued "talking" is a waste of time and energy and probably sets yourself up for frustration. Instead of getting angry, get smart and change tactics. If getting angry IS your change of tactics, you may want to expand your options. :-)</div>
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1125405541320884772.post-13564511826199244722011-10-16T14:58:00.002-04:002011-10-16T14:58:50.557-04:00Another Good Read<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gapWJYWUp0w/TpslggeTUwI/AAAAAAAAF5U/UpJak3FZcOs/s1600/god-instinct-3d-cover.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gapWJYWUp0w/TpslggeTUwI/AAAAAAAAF5U/UpJak3FZcOs/s400/god-instinct-3d-cover.jpg" width="248" /></a></div>
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Is the instinctive belief in God a blessing from him, bestowed upon us for any of several imaginable reasons? Or, does god exist only in our imagination because that belief is a functional adaption to the world in which we live?</div>
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Bering does a great job of explaining his idea that we have instinctive beliefs that do not require and do not conform with objective, logical, and scientific thinking. In the end, the meaning of that finding is up to the reader to decide.</div>
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Whether you agree with the author's conclusions or not, this book is an important read for those who are psychologically, scientifically, and religiously minded. The book is written with a good balance of empiricism, humor, and respect.</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1125405541320884772.post-77177475061530128402011-02-14T17:58:00.003-05:002012-01-05T16:45:29.524-05:00False Dichotomy<ul>
<li style="text-align: justify;">COKE v PEPSI</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">McDONALDS v BURGER KING</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">IBM v MAC</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">REPUBLICAN v DEMOCRAT </li>
</ul>
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We are trained, in our culture, to accept and even expect the notion of two mutually exclusive choices. That notion is not confined to commercial enterprises. The same false dilemma is found in debates of weightier matters:</div>
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<li style="text-align: justify;">NATURE v NURTURE</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">MIND v BODY</li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">GOOD v EVIL</li>
</ul>
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Things are just so rarely black and white. It is almost never the case that there are only two realistic, viable choices. But more important than the truth that a dichotomy is not sufficiently comprehensive, is the reality that that often one choice cannot exist without the other. There is no nurture without nature, no mind without body, and good loses its meaning without evil.</div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-B6tLQ9K5OB8/TVmviHC10tI/AAAAAAAAFq4/hMojgzMk4B0/s1600/illusion_cubes.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="134" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-B6tLQ9K5OB8/TVmviHC10tI/AAAAAAAAFq4/hMojgzMk4B0/s640/illusion_cubes.gif" width="640" /></a></div>
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-B6tLQ9K5OB8/TVmviHC10tI/AAAAAAAAFq4/hMojgzMk4B0/s1600/illusion_cubes.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: none; color: black;">Whichever side you choose to be on top, there must be one on the bottom: there is no top without a bottom.</span></a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1125405541320884772.post-53336019012245888182010-03-06T11:00:00.001-05:002010-09-17T14:03:55.728-04:00A Really Great Self-Help Book for Child-Discipline<div style="text-align: justify;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_zxVYw1Z3J0Q/S5H1uv-m1oI/AAAAAAAAFE4/Wt3Re84HJJI/s1600-h/other+how+to+behave+so+that+your+children+will+too.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 264px; height: 400px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_zxVYw1Z3J0Q/S5H1uv-m1oI/AAAAAAAAFE4/Wt3Re84HJJI/s400/other+how+to+behave+so+that+your+children+will+too.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5445403607969486466" border="0" /></a>There are so many self-help books on the bookstore shelves that it is hard to know which ones are good and which ones are not. HOW TO BEHAVE SO YOUR CHILDREN WILL TOO by SAL SEVERE is one of the very best ones, in my opinion. I have recommended it to many of my patients and have heard nothing but great responses.<br /></div><br />By the way, I get nothing for this endorsement other than the satisfaction of knowing that I have made a good recommendation.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1125405541320884772.post-74833253212953877422009-10-16T11:00:00.001-04:002010-09-17T12:44:45.706-04:00Child Discipline Tip: Follow-through & Consistency = Trust<div style="text-align: justify;">One of the complaints that many parents have about their child is that they cannot trust her. One of the most important principles for parents to learn is that they themselves (the parents) have to be trustworthy by following-through and being consistent. A parent must be willing to do what they promise they will do when establishing consequences for their child's behavior. That includes controlling their own emotions (not using discipline as an outlet for anger) and even being flexible. But it does not mean ignoring, conveniently forgetting, capriciously changing, or just giving-up on established rules. In an ironic twist of fate, the important question parents need to ask themselves is "can my child trust ME?"</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1125405541320884772.post-37793709452861130622009-09-23T11:00:00.000-04:002011-11-09T20:02:01.789-05:00Addiction<div style="text-align: justify;">
Confusion, frustration, and futility: <span style="font-style: italic;"> feelings expressed by battlers of addiction.</span><br />
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Thoughts, feelings, and behaviors: <span style="font-style: italic;">somewhere the cycle has to be broken.</span></div>
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Information, connection, and genuine charity: <span style="font-style: italic;">there is real hope.</span></div>
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Are you addicted to pornography, cigarettes, overeating, gambling, or unrequited love? Are you ready to do something that has a real chance for success? "Twelve-step" programs have helped so many people. Follow these links to some very good information and resources.</div>
<ul>
<li><a href="http://www.providentliving.org/familyservices/AddicitonRecoveryManual_36764000.pdf">Addiction Recovery Program, pdf manual</a></li>
<li><a href="http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?locale=0&sourceId=3216ceb47f381210VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD"><span style="font-style: italic;">Addiction Recovery</span>, by Lia McClanahan (Ensign, June 2009)</a></li>
<li><a href="http://www.providentliving.org/content/display/0,11666,6629-1-3414-1,00.html">Addiction Recovery Program, description found at the Provident Living website</a></li>
<li><a href="http://combatingpornography.org/cp/eng/">Combating Pornography website</a> </li>
</ul>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1125405541320884772.post-9337910075579856122009-09-03T11:00:00.000-04:002010-09-17T12:46:42.666-04:00Recommended Reading: Life of Pi<div style="text-align: justify;"><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_zxVYw1Z3J0Q/SqB1-Kq7YvI/AAAAAAAAEpU/zBXGaJJofvE/s1600-h/life-of-pi2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 167px; height: 256px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_zxVYw1Z3J0Q/SqB1-Kq7YvI/AAAAAAAAEpU/zBXGaJJofvE/s400/life-of-pi2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5377427665957118706" border="0" /></a>What a great book to read for recreation, mental and emotional stimulation, as well as spiritual rejuvenation. I highly recommend that you read this book along with a good friend so that you can talk about it when you are done.<br /><br />What a blessing it is in our lives to have the ability and the opportunity to read.<br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1125405541320884772.post-28756166891609931902009-03-23T11:00:00.002-04:002010-09-17T17:25:41.765-04:00Confirmation Bias<div style="text-align: justify;">How do we see the world? We see it through the filter of our own preconceived beliefs and expectations; we understand it within the context of our own previously established sensitivities and fears. Often we draw inaccurate conclusions and make wrong interpretations because of our prior learning.<br /><br />It is so normal for our perception to be skewed that it is the source of much study by psychologists. One interesting phenomenon of cognitive distortion has come to be called <span style="font-style: italic;">confirmation bias</span>. There are many little evidences for the truthfulness of this nearly-universal human behavior, even in your own life.<br /><br />If you are a type "A" personality that never feels that they have done enough and that there just isn't enough time in the day to get everything done, then you remember that when your boss / or pastor / or political leader / or family member made comments about your performance, that you then felt prompted to do more; you felt goaded by their statements of demands (no matter how politely stated); you felt scolded by their accusations that you didn't do a good enough job already; you felt guilted into a re-doubling of your efforts.<br /><br />On the other hand, if you are a type "B" personality that never really feels the pressure that your counterpart seems to feel and knows that everything will work out just fine in the end, then you remember that when <span style="font-style: italic;">your</span> boss / or pastor / or political leader / or family member made comments about your performance that you felt a great sense of ease and congratulated yourself for all of your hard work and you then decided that you probably needed a break and could stop working so hard.<br /><br />When the boss / or pastor / or political leader / or family member says, "you did a great job, keep up the good work!" we hear what we are expecting to hear. One person hears "work harder" while the other hears "you've done enough."<br /><br />And what do you hear when you read what Christ said to the adulteress who was accused by the Pharisee hypocrites?<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(153, 0, 0);">(New Testament | John 8:10 - 11)</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(153, 0, 0);">10 When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee?</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(153, 0, 0);">11 She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.</span><br /><br />Do you hear "I do not condemn thee" or do you hear "go and sin no more?"<br /><br />Wouldn't it be better if we could hear them both? Wouldn't if be better if we were aware of our own biases and took measures to counter them?<br /><br />Learn, understand, change, and grow.</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1125405541320884772.post-57343279836793445272008-12-19T11:00:00.000-05:002010-09-17T12:47:24.195-04:00The Wisdom of Squirrels<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_zxVYw1Z3J0Q/SUuwP89Hu0I/AAAAAAAACx4/9G_kR7V0tRM/s1600-h/squirre+smalll.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 285px; height: 400px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_zxVYw1Z3J0Q/SUuwP89Hu0I/AAAAAAAACx4/9G_kR7V0tRM/s400/squirre+smalll.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5281508776129051458" border="0" /></a><div style="text-align: left;">During the stressful holidays, remember that a little humor can be very helpful.<br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1125405541320884772.post-68337460019413997592008-08-10T11:00:00.000-04:002010-09-17T12:47:45.099-04:00Recommended Reading: You Just Don't Understand<div style="text-align: justify;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_zxVYw1Z3J0Q/SJ8vPxk8iTI/AAAAAAAABsc/j6Xj7kTEvkA/s1600-h/You+Just+Don%27t+Understand.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 169px; height: 257px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_zxVYw1Z3J0Q/SJ8vPxk8iTI/AAAAAAAABsc/j6Xj7kTEvkA/s400/You+Just+Don%27t+Understand.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5232953240080648498" border="0" /></a>Deborah Tannen is a really smart woman who has written several books about the gender differences in the English language. Whether you think that language differences are the outcome of inherently different gender characteristics, or that gender characteristics are the result of language differences, I think that you will find this particular book of hers quite accurate and informative. The book is filled the author's experiences that capture the feel of real life moments that any married couple will recognize as their own.<br /><br />What I find especially edifying is the author's even-handed approach. Often, a discussion of gender differences turns into a quazi-socio-political debate of the rightness and/or wrongness of the ways of men and/or women. Tannen is fair in her representation of both sides and acknowledges the utility of the different approaches of each.<br /><br />I have enjoyed reading this book and have found it to be helpful in both my private and professional life. I highly recommend it.<br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1125405541320884772.post-25198456082685618952008-03-25T11:00:00.000-04:002010-09-17T12:48:10.664-04:00Shoulder to Shoulder, or Face to Face<div style="text-align: justify;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_zxVYw1Z3J0Q/SJ8-a2dFZ5I/AAAAAAAABsk/8iM1uOprck8/s1600-h/Why+Gender+Matters.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 196px; height: 299px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_zxVYw1Z3J0Q/SJ8-a2dFZ5I/AAAAAAAABsk/8iM1uOprck8/s400/Why+Gender+Matters.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5232969923042830226" border="0" /></a>In his book <span style="font-style: italic;">Gender Matters</span>, Dr Leonard Sax says that boys and girls have a fundamentally different approach to life's activities. He says that boys stand "shoulder to shoulder" and girls prefer "face to face." Boys build relationships around activities that they are focused upon (shoulder-to-shoulder looking at the activity together). Girls use activities as an excuse to talk to each other (face-to-face), and the talking and sharing is the basis of their relationships. Boys do not need or even want much talking -- it can be a distraction.<br /><br />When we grow up and get married, those same inherent differences can really work against a close relationship if we misunderstand our partner. A wife can feel that her husband's lack of verbal skills (ignores her) means he does not love her. A husband can feel that his wife's constant talking (nagging) means that she does not love him. All-the-while both spouses may be trying to engender in their partner the very opposite feelings in the only way that they know how.<br /><br />While gender differences can be a real hindrance to a marriage, they are also the very thing that make that special relationship the foundation of never-ending growth. Different perspectives, different emotional sensibilities, and different rational skills can be a valuable blessing to the partners who learn to work together in spite of their opposition.</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1125405541320884772.post-71269046436951493902007-12-19T11:00:00.000-05:002010-09-17T12:48:38.885-04:00Christmas: A Time To Remember<div style="text-align: justify;">Every year at Christmas time the retail-machinery of our consumer-culture kicks into gear. Consequently, instead of Christmas being the religious celebration that it is ideally meant to be, it is routinely transformed into a competition of gift buying and receiving. High expectations rapidly ensue and give rise to high frustrations.<br /><br />Unfortunately, most of us misbehave when we are frustrated -- we become aggressive or detached, moody or withdrawn. So the irony of the Christmas season is that when we are expecting to have fun and joy we can easily find ourselves in the midst of stress and contention.<br /><br />So Christmas is a great time to remember...<br /></div><ul style="text-align: justify;"><li>Things do not have to be perfect</li><li>Relationships with our loved ones are more valuable than any temporal possessions</li><li>Making mistakes is a part of life -- even the mistake of being stressed-out<br /></li></ul><div style="text-align: justify;">Here's hoping that we can all remember the important things as we go through the Christmas season, and find that joy that is always there (whether we recognize it or not).</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com