Sometimes I think it's a sin, when I feel like I'm winnin' and I'm losin' again.

Are you AGGRESSIVE?

• Do you focus only on getting your needs met, even at the expense of others' ?
• Do you consider your own opinion to be fact, and others' opinions to be irrelevant?
• Do you make decisions for other people, whether they want you to or not?
• Do you often use confrontation to get what you want?
• Do you tend to lose your temper?
• Do you shout or use bully techniques to get your way?
• Do you talk faster and louder than others to make your point heard?
• Do you call other people names and use obscenities when angry?
• Do you invade others' comfort zones with your body language.
• Do you refuse to take "no"  for an answer?
• Do you continue to argue long after someone has had enough?
• Do you prefer to use coercion rather than persuasion?
• Do you openly criticize or find fault with others' ideas, options, or behaviors?
• Do you find fault in others and excuse your own feelings and behaviors?

Those are AGGRESSIVE behaviors. The thing is, aggressive behavior often produces good results -- in the short run. While a passive person might suffer immediately from his/her own behavior (the pain of denying their own feelings, the lack of having their needs met), an aggressive person might experience satisfaction as their immediate needs are met, they feel acknowledged, and they have accomplished a victory over another. It is not always apparent to an aggressive person that they are harming their relationship with others, and that relationship satisfaction is important.

A common pattern in unhappy marriages is that as a result of conflict in the early stages of the relationship, one partner chooses to start "losing" for the sake of "keeping the peace." The other partner, thereby, was rewarded for his/her aggressive behavior. His/her needs were met, the level of conflict was reduced, he/she thought it was settled and saw no need to examine or change his/her aggressive tactics. It is not until much later (sometimes many years later), when the passive partner can no longer abide the role of being the lone self-sacrificer, does the aggressive partner come to learn that his/her "winning" at the expense of his/her partner was so damaging to the relationship.

Those of us that are old enough to remember it, would recognize Gordon Lightfoot's song, SUNDOWN. It has a catchy tune and was very popular, back in the day. A line in the song is "Sometimes I think it's a sin when I feel like I'm winnin' when I'm losin' again." It is often the experience of an aggressive person that they are winning, but really they are losing in the long run, and they cannot understand why. That their winning ways are causing them to lose, just seems wrong -- it seems like a sin. 

Are You Passive?

     Do you find yourself saying "yes" when you would rather say "no?"

     Do you blame other people for your unhappiness? 

     Do you feel that it would be impolite to ask for what you want? 
     Do you fear making other people angry?
     Being overly passive with others can lead to very unsatisfying results, including passive/aggressiveness.

     Assertive behaviors elevate all parties involved. Interactions are more effective and relationships are more genuine and rewarding.

Here are some important "rules" of assertive behavior.

THE BASIC TENETS OF AN ASSERTIVE PHILOSOPHY

1. I show respect for myself and achieve respect from other people by standing up for my rights.
2. I end up hurting myself and other people by trying to govern my life so as to never hurt anyone.
3.  Sacrificing my rights usually results in destroying relationships or preventing ones from forming.
4. Not letting others know how I feel and what I think is a form of selfishness.
5. Sacrificing my rights usually results in training other people to mistreat me.
6. If I don’t tell other people how their behavior negatively effects me, I am denying them an opportunity to change their behavior.
7. I can decide what’s important for me, I do not have to suffer from the “tyranny of the should and should not.”
8. When I do what I think is right for me, I feel better about myself and have more authentic and satisfying relationships with others.
9. I have a natural right to courtesy and respect, just as others do.
10. I have a right to express myself as long as I don’t violate the rights of others.
11. There is more to be gained from life by being free and able to stand up for myself and from honoring the same rights of other people.
12. When I am assertive, everyone involved usually benefits.

Adapted from: Jakubowski-Spector, P.(1977). Self-Assertive Training Procedures For Women. In D.Carter and E.Rawlings (Eds.), Psychotherapy with women. Springfield, IL: Charles Thomas

Tip of the Week: Assertiveness

Assertiveness is easily misunderstood. It is not Aggressiveness, which demands respect but does not necessarily give it. It is not passivity, which gives respect but does not defend itself. Assertiveness is characterized by mutual respect -- a simultaneous acknowledgment of the rights and responsibilities of both parties involved in a dispute.

To use a food metaphor, assertiveness is the delicious middle between the top-crust of aggression and the soggy-bottom of passivity in the sandwich of human interaction. Yes, maybe the bread is an unavoidably necessary part of the hand-held meal, but it is the portion between the slices that is the tasty focus of the whole endeavor.

In my mind, the best sandwiches have succulent centers stacked high between two thinly sliced pieces of bread. In my life, the best relationships are jam-packed with mutual respect and make allowances for the occasional mistake of aggressive or passive behavior.