The GOLDEN RATIO

To keep relationships healthy, strong, and connected, five "goods" are needed for every one "bad."

Parents need to find a way to say five yes's for every no; they need to praise five times as much as they scold.

Lovers need to embrace and attune five times as much as they argue and reject each other.

Teachers should reward five times more than they penalize.

Much of this happens normally, naturally. But sometimes relationships can get twisted into a cycle of negativity and discomfort. When that happens it is important to recognize and to take steps to make a change.

The GOLDEN RATIO: five positive for every negative: 5/1

Remember To Say It Out Loud

Who do you love?  Why do you love them?  

Is it your daughter, because of how young and healthy and energetic and pretty and smart and optimistic she is and because when you see her you want to smile?  Because she is a smaller and BETTER version of you?

Is it your wife, because of how persistent and dedicated and reliable and soft and sarcastically clever and socially astute and sexually shapely and appropriately motherly to your children she is?  Because she puts up with you and your short-comings and "has-your-back?"

Is it your son, because of how resolute and brave and determined and handsome and charming and wryly humorous and suddenly silly and openly ambitious and fantastically fun he is?  Because when you look at him you see your little brother except you can be nice, now, in ways you never were in your childhood?

Is it your husband, because of how strong and solution focused and protective and thick skinned and efficient and tender and affectionate and vulnerable and willing to fail and warmly authoritative and stubborn he is? Because you know that if necessary he would do anything and give everything for you?

Is it those people, or others?  Is it for those reasons, or for many other reasons?  Whatever the reason and whoever it is, do not forget to mention it -- out loud.

It is good that you think it in your own head, and feel it in your own heart, and can hold these thoughts and feelings in tightly compressed spaces in your head and heart so that you have room to do other things that have to get done. But do not leave them packed away there too long or too deeply compressed, so that they lose their shape. Take your admiration out of storage and share it with your loved ones. Tell them out loud and tell them often.

The golden ratio of positive to negative interactions in a healthy and happy relationship is five to one.
5:1.
$1.00 : $0.20.
Free throw : layup.
It is pretty easy to fulfill the minimum daily requirement of negativity. It takes work to maintain the lopsidedly healthy five-to-one balance.

Minimize the negativity, and practice practice practice practice practice being positive -- out loud, so they can hear you!  :)

Tip of the Week: Carrots and Sticks

All relationships use both rewards and punishments.  Carrots and sticks can each be very motivational,  but the best results happen when we understand the following:

>A carrot dangles in front, a stick strikes from behind.

>A carrot attracts, a stick repels.

>A carrot is a focal point, a stick means pain.

>A carrot is a goal to strive toward, a stick is something to be avoided.

>A carrot can add to good feelings, a stick's most positive result is the lack of bad feelings.

>A carrot strengthens relationships, a stick increases separation.

>You can move someone with a stick, you can steer someone with a carrot.

Shoulder to Shoulder, or Face to Face

In his book Gender Matters, Dr Leonard Sax says that boys and girls have a fundamentally different approach to life's activities. He says that boys stand "shoulder to shoulder" and girls prefer "face to face." Boys build relationships around activities that they are focused upon (shoulder-to-shoulder looking at the activity together). Girls use activities as an excuse to talk to each other (face-to-face), and the talking and sharing is the basis of their relationships. Boys do not need or even want much talking -- it can be a distraction.

When we grow up and get married, those same inherent differences can really work against a close relationship if we misunderstand our partner. A wife can feel that her husband's lack of verbal skills (ignores her) means he does not love her. A husband can feel that his wife's constant talking (nagging) means that she does not love him. All-the-while both spouses may be trying to engender in their partner the very opposite feelings in the only way that they know how.

While gender differences can be a real hindrance to a marriage, they are also the very thing that make that special relationship the foundation of never-ending growth. Different perspectives, different emotional sensibilities, and different rational skills can be a valuable blessing to the partners who learn to work together in spite of their opposition.